Who am i ?
Just another normal person in a normal atmosphere. Normal.......?? i used this word becoz things around are not normal i guess. I was happy to be a noob, i still am. No color sense, no clothing sense. I dun count a moment where i should laugh or smile and dun even count for how long i should keep those smiles or bursting laughs. Sophistication ain't in my character yet.
I just see things normally, but everything changes depending on the way i recite them (my surroundings) to my mind and my heart. At this stage the things dun remain normal anymore.
"Fine day. All heading towards their works. Children going to schools and colleges. I can see everything silent and i guess there is no fear. Hold on..!! Did i used the word silent ? Does it mean that pollution is controlled or population is at hold or news channel talking sense or we progressing smoothly or crimes are ended or some politicians are offended ? Oh no, sorry actually the stray dog who always used to sit and bark near my bench is dead.
Ok fine lets recite it again.
Fine day. All heading towards their works. Children going to schools and colleges. I can see everything ______ and i guess there is __ fear."
You all must be thinking why i left those specifications. Even i am confused, why. Ya i have to be coz i am normal(nub). Right ?
I closed my eyes and was thinking over some problems, Progress i guess. Opened my eye and just in fraction of seconds, can say more in a flash everything changed. Hold let me recite it to my mind and heart.
"Well i can see a lot of progress here. All people around me in Suits, Coats and Pants and some other funkies in their latest fashions. Everything is bright, sophisticated and clean.
But something is missing.... what it could be ? Hmmm..... Hey did i said Clean ?
Clean ? Why clean ? Just because there are no beggars, poors or normal nubs around ?
Lets do it one last time please(yay yay i am confused noob).
I can see lot of progress around. Too much richness around. No poor, no less qualified around. Dustbins full of mess rather good and rich mess, doesn't matter, it will remain mess.And yeah dead body of that stray dog is still lying near the bench with a lot of flies on it and fragrance of rose* (hope you all know how dead body stinks). People who used to walk nearby the bench always have changed their path or have bought oxygen masks. I can see a lot of progress."
Till now half people would have conducted and strengthened their views on me. But its half of the story(believe me i am yet more mad inside).
"Some of my friends say i am depressed and i need a psychiatrist. Yes i do coz i can't change my mind i guess. Some say you can't see peace around because you are not peaceful from inside.
Ya ya but i am sorry i can't sit on a heap of stinky garbage and say i am getting fragrance of rose(now you know its meaning i hope) inside. Coz i don't want to fool myself, rest you all can."
Story continues now.........
I closed my eyes again and was thinking for a change. And when i opened my eyes i was surprised to see no change at all. All were wearing those old but expensive suits and funky outfits. I was able to see a hell lot of progress but sadly mess and that friend's dead body is on same place. And finally when i got time out of this thinking, i founded myself to be a chosen one. I differed from other people in my outfits too. Wow. The same old normal dress, but this time i had my visions saying something else. I was able to see a broom lying nearby. Now i know what i am and i beg to differ, i see normal people around now coz i am different, i am a cleaner. Someone who will slowly but surely clean the environment around coz i still can't sit on a heap of stinky garbage and say i am feeling fragrance of rose inside. A proud SWEEPER is what i am now and unlike you all i am not a part of this category of normal nubs.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Diaries
They both were sitting in Barista. She was sitting with a glass of Coffee in her hand. Rolling her finger on the edges of the glass. I can see her laughing and smiling in her group but her posture said it all that she is pretending. She is still searching for something.And i was sitting in the left corner with my friend,both drinking Cold Coffee. He reading newspaper for the style gadgets and me as always relaxing back, anyone would have been able to feel the ease on my face. Calm expressions, sitting back with my 'always there smile' and judging people according to their reactions and way of talking and sitting. But i myself was pretending. I had been interested in only one person out there, it was she. She was stunning with her fake smiles also. Black top with "Morgan"'www.morgandetoi.com' written in it and dark blue jeans, slim hmmmmmm i guess zero size girl......... And there our eyes strikes each other, she has been watching me checking her out for past 15 minutes and i smiled her with one cruel n' flirtatious smile and bowed my head a little. She acted as if she has seen something weird, a bit confused too. And then i she looked back again, i was still watching her with a calm mind, no bad intentions on my side. My coffee ended,me and my friend went off after paying the bills. I paid their bill too without letting them know who i was and whats was i about to.
After 1 week i saw her in the mall, pink top and a skirt.Looking more like a kid yet awesome but simple in her own way. We passed each other in escalator. I was going up and she was coming down. The eyes again stroke each other again. I smiled again in my way and didn't looked back after passing her by but she did turned once to see me. I was able to see that from the glass of my goggles.
After 11 days i saw her sitting her in a cafe shop, sitting alone, thinking something. She was too involved in her thinking i guess.I wrote a line on a paper napkin and passed it on to her."Thinking about India again Miss Journalist ?" She was shocked reading it. Turned back and i was not there. She asked the waiter who gave it to him and he replied a guy with spikes and a black shirt gave him the paper napkin. I left yet one another napkin having written on it : "So waiting for someone in your life ? you think now you will be able to cope up things with your confused mind ?"
Two months later she saw me in a party. I was sitting alone at one side with my drink in my hand (I don't drink, it was coke with hell lot of ice in it) giving no attention to anyone. She came to me and asked me who i am. I told her everything about myself. Everything that she ever wanted to hear. Till now everything that i had told her was all wrong informations about me.But i was sure that she believed it all.We had a chat for almost one hour. Exchanged our numbers, but i didn't called up. I tried to be a bit cold from my side. I was waiting for her call. She took almost two days to call me up. We decided a place and met and then lots of chats. We were getting closer and after sometime i proposed her. She said yes and we decided to marry soon but i said its not so easy to live with me even she said the same for her so we went for a live-in relation.
Time went by. So far everything was going right but after almost 3-4 months some odd accidents started happening in her life. And accidentally or eventually i was the one to mess them up more or to make them all fine. Hmmmm..... at one place i was unknown of what she was actually saying but then when i realised it all then it was too late. A car was about to crash into her and i saved her. Just after i saved her she said " So you must be a hero now in my view na ? " and i in my fucking style unknowingly of what she meant answered " Yes ofcourse , i am one " and i laughed she too smiled. At this period of time i was all able to see her getting too close to one of her friend. I always tried to predict him and he was always too fishy, but who was i to guide or change someone. I was able to see her talking on phones late nights with him.
8th April 2011:
She shouted from the door. " I have prepared breakfast for you, you will just have to warm it up in microwave. And yes the coffee is above in 2nd cupboard from the right, behind the cups. I will be late today, as i have a client waiting for me. "
I was barely able to hear her but i still shouted "Yay Yay i will do that you don't worry."
And she went away.
I got up from my bed and blah blah ........... then went to kitchen for breakfast. Put the pizza in the micro. And started my foolish search for coffee bottle. Searched damn coffee almost everywhere only two cupboard were left, 2nd last and last. I opened the last cupboard first. It wasn't there , but i guess i got something good. Remembered , ahh it was 2nd last cupboard. Made coffee for mahself. And ate pizza. Whole day i was free so got busy somewhere else.
21st April 2011:
I was on call with my car mechanic about my car.
" Have you done all the work that i have told you ? "
He replied " Yes."
" And the brakes ? Just take care of them, this time i don't want any mistakes, make sure work should be done today itself."
She heard me talking on the cell. Passed by but was in hurry. I asked what happened but she never replied. Hmmmm.... maybe some work.
The next day car was back from the garrage.
23rd April 2011:
At night she brought a glass of milk for me.
"Milk !! Hey hey honey i don't drink milk re, you know it well."
"I am sorry there is no coffee so you will have to drink it. Can't you drink milk only one day for me ?"
"Ofcourse i could"
"Then do it.Till then i will change."
"Change ? Alone ?? I think i could help you out."
"Ofcourse stupid , help me after our marriage."
And i was like ..... maybe everything is getting right now. Every misunderstanding vanishing up and life getting better as i always wanted. And appperently some words popped out from my mouth.
" Hey honey ! I have a surprise for you but won't be telling you so easily. "
" Really ?? Even i have one for you and you will know it soon. Now just drink the milk and go to bed. I'll go and change."
" Honey ! you have drunk milk ? "
" Yes dear i have. "
" Fine. Sleep now "
" Okay baby..!! Love ya."
24th April 2011:
I was happy for something and literally i was smiling whole day.
25th April 2011:
Newspaper Last page:
A car crashed in the woods.........One deadbody found.
Three Months Later:
Maid: "Madam i have cleaned that room. What to do with all the stuffs ?"
Madam: "Burn them all or throw them out."
Maid: "Okay madam."
Madam: "Hold..!! Whats that ?"
Maid: "Two Dairies"
Madam: "Bring them here."
She turned some pages...........
"Where did ya founded them ?"
"They were behind the cupboard."
"Okay! You leave now."
She started reading the diaries then.
25th July 2007:
My life started today. I met a girl, someone special i think. I am getting attracted to her. I think she is the one.....................................
19th August 2007:
I finally proposed her and she said Yes. One of the best day of my life. Fuck i can't believe , i am finally in love.
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8th April 2008:
I dunno what happened to her. She said i think we should get apart. I was almost dead but i never wanted her to leave my life.
22nd April 2008:
She smsed me. I still love you but i really don't want you to be part of my messy life. I really love you.
24th April 2008:
She called me up. We started talking again. I was filled with hopes again.
Then came the last page of the diary.
26th May 2008:
All the time when i was crying infront of her begging for love. She was busy asking for someone else as if he is interested in her or not. She finally backstabbed me.
My life ended that day.
2nd Diary:
I saw her again in Barista.She was sitting with a glass of Coffee in her hand.Rolling her finger on the edges of the glass.I can see her laughing and smiling in her group but her posture said it all that she is pretending.She is still searching for something.And i was sitting in the left corner with my friend,both drinking Cold Coffee.He reading newspaper for the style gadets and me as always relaxing back, anyone would have been able to feel the ease on my face. Calm expressions, sitting back with my 'always there smile' and judging people according to their reactions and way of talking and sitting. But i myself was pretending.I had been interested in only one person out there, it was she. She was stunning with her fake smiles also. Black top with "Morgan"'www.morgandetoi.com' written in it and dark blue jeans, slim hmmmmmm i guess zero size girl......... And there our eyes striked each other, she has been watching me checking her out for past 15 minutes and i smiled her with one cruel n' flirtious smile and bowed my head a little. She acted as if she has seen something weird, a bit confused too. And then i she looked back again, i was still watching her with a calm mind, no bad intentions on my side. My coffee ended,me and my friend went off after payin the bills.I paid their bill too without letting them know who i was and whats was i about to.
I again felt for her. I need her. I still need her.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
8th April 2011:
While searching for coffee, i got her diary.
She knew it all that its me. But she never asked me coz she wanted me to tell her everything from my own mouth. But later on while reading i was shocked to know that she thinks i am the one who was there messing her life. She never cleared it out with me. She thinks i am back there in her life for revengue.
That day something died between us. I wanted to clear out too many things with her but now it was of no use.
9th April 2011:
She was getting close to him. I wanted to stop her but then i tried to search my happiness in her happiness. Or maybe its just some misunderstanding that would be cleared out with time.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
23rd April 2011:
I didn't drank that milk. I hated milk. I pretended to sleep. She called someone. It was him. I heard them talking.
"No. He is sleeping hard. I have mixed those pills in his milk."
"Ya"
"Ok i will mix the pills in his lunch."
"But i am feeling afraid. What if something goes wrong ?"
"And Police ?"
"Are you sure ? We should do this ?"
"Ok good night. Love you."
24th April 2011:
I was happy for something and literally i was smiling whole day.
This is my last day here.
Something is hurting inside but i am happy for her.
I was searching for my heaven in her
and she gave me never-ending pains
now i want to hate her from inside
but still she rules in my veins ......
If i could just tell her somehow that i still love her.
25th July 2011:
A woman suicides in her home. The reasons of suicide are still unknown.............
Diary of life............
25th July 2011:
We met again.
After 1 week i saw her in the mall, pink top and a skirt.Looking more like a kid yet awesome but simple in her own way. We passed each other in escalator. I was going up and she was coming down. The eyes again stroke each other again. I smiled again in my way and didn't looked back after passing her by but she did turned once to see me. I was able to see that from the glass of my goggles.
After 11 days i saw her sitting her in a cafe shop, sitting alone, thinking something. She was too involved in her thinking i guess.I wrote a line on a paper napkin and passed it on to her."Thinking about India again Miss Journalist ?" She was shocked reading it. Turned back and i was not there. She asked the waiter who gave it to him and he replied a guy with spikes and a black shirt gave him the paper napkin. I left yet one another napkin having written on it : "So waiting for someone in your life ? you think now you will be able to cope up things with your confused mind ?"
Two months later she saw me in a party. I was sitting alone at one side with my drink in my hand (I don't drink, it was coke with hell lot of ice in it) giving no attention to anyone. She came to me and asked me who i am. I told her everything about myself. Everything that she ever wanted to hear. Till now everything that i had told her was all wrong informations about me.But i was sure that she believed it all.We had a chat for almost one hour. Exchanged our numbers, but i didn't called up. I tried to be a bit cold from my side. I was waiting for her call. She took almost two days to call me up. We decided a place and met and then lots of chats. We were getting closer and after sometime i proposed her. She said yes and we decided to marry soon but i said its not so easy to live with me even she said the same for her so we went for a live-in relation.
Time went by. So far everything was going right but after almost 3-4 months some odd accidents started happening in her life. And accidentally or eventually i was the one to mess them up more or to make them all fine. Hmmmm..... at one place i was unknown of what she was actually saying but then when i realised it all then it was too late. A car was about to crash into her and i saved her. Just after i saved her she said " So you must be a hero now in my view na ? " and i in my fucking style unknowingly of what she meant answered " Yes ofcourse , i am one " and i laughed she too smiled. At this period of time i was all able to see her getting too close to one of her friend. I always tried to predict him and he was always too fishy, but who was i to guide or change someone. I was able to see her talking on phones late nights with him.
8th April 2011:
She shouted from the door. " I have prepared breakfast for you, you will just have to warm it up in microwave. And yes the coffee is above in 2nd cupboard from the right, behind the cups. I will be late today, as i have a client waiting for me. "
I was barely able to hear her but i still shouted "Yay Yay i will do that you don't worry."
And she went away.
I got up from my bed and blah blah ........... then went to kitchen for breakfast. Put the pizza in the micro. And started my foolish search for coffee bottle. Searched damn coffee almost everywhere only two cupboard were left, 2nd last and last. I opened the last cupboard first. It wasn't there , but i guess i got something good. Remembered , ahh it was 2nd last cupboard. Made coffee for mahself. And ate pizza. Whole day i was free so got busy somewhere else.
21st April 2011:
I was on call with my car mechanic about my car.
" Have you done all the work that i have told you ? "
He replied " Yes."
" And the brakes ? Just take care of them, this time i don't want any mistakes, make sure work should be done today itself."
She heard me talking on the cell. Passed by but was in hurry. I asked what happened but she never replied. Hmmmm.... maybe some work.
The next day car was back from the garrage.
23rd April 2011:
At night she brought a glass of milk for me.
"Milk !! Hey hey honey i don't drink milk re, you know it well."
"I am sorry there is no coffee so you will have to drink it. Can't you drink milk only one day for me ?"
"Ofcourse i could"
"Then do it.Till then i will change."
"Change ? Alone ?? I think i could help you out."
"Ofcourse stupid , help me after our marriage."
And i was like ..... maybe everything is getting right now. Every misunderstanding vanishing up and life getting better as i always wanted. And appperently some words popped out from my mouth.
" Hey honey ! I have a surprise for you but won't be telling you so easily. "
" Really ?? Even i have one for you and you will know it soon. Now just drink the milk and go to bed. I'll go and change."
" Honey ! you have drunk milk ? "
" Yes dear i have. "
" Fine. Sleep now "
" Okay baby..!! Love ya."
24th April 2011:
I was happy for something and literally i was smiling whole day.
25th April 2011:
Newspaper Last page:
A car crashed in the woods.........One deadbody found.
Three Months Later:
Maid: "Madam i have cleaned that room. What to do with all the stuffs ?"
Madam: "Burn them all or throw them out."
Maid: "Okay madam."
Madam: "Hold..!! Whats that ?"
Maid: "Two Dairies"
Madam: "Bring them here."
She turned some pages...........
"Where did ya founded them ?"
"They were behind the cupboard."
"Okay! You leave now."
She started reading the diaries then.
25th July 2007:
My life started today. I met a girl, someone special i think. I am getting attracted to her. I think she is the one.....................................
19th August 2007:
I finally proposed her and she said Yes. One of the best day of my life. Fuck i can't believe , i am finally in love.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
8th April 2008:
I dunno what happened to her. She said i think we should get apart. I was almost dead but i never wanted her to leave my life.
22nd April 2008:
She smsed me. I still love you but i really don't want you to be part of my messy life. I really love you.
24th April 2008:
She called me up. We started talking again. I was filled with hopes again.
Then came the last page of the diary.
26th May 2008:
All the time when i was crying infront of her begging for love. She was busy asking for someone else as if he is interested in her or not. She finally backstabbed me.
My life ended that day.
2nd Diary:
I saw her again in Barista.She was sitting with a glass of Coffee in her hand.Rolling her finger on the edges of the glass.I can see her laughing and smiling in her group but her posture said it all that she is pretending.She is still searching for something.And i was sitting in the left corner with my friend,both drinking Cold Coffee.He reading newspaper for the style gadets and me as always relaxing back, anyone would have been able to feel the ease on my face. Calm expressions, sitting back with my 'always there smile' and judging people according to their reactions and way of talking and sitting. But i myself was pretending.I had been interested in only one person out there, it was she. She was stunning with her fake smiles also. Black top with "Morgan"'www.morgandetoi.com' written in it and dark blue jeans, slim hmmmmmm i guess zero size girl......... And there our eyes striked each other, she has been watching me checking her out for past 15 minutes and i smiled her with one cruel n' flirtious smile and bowed my head a little. She acted as if she has seen something weird, a bit confused too. And then i she looked back again, i was still watching her with a calm mind, no bad intentions on my side. My coffee ended,me and my friend went off after payin the bills.I paid their bill too without letting them know who i was and whats was i about to.
I again felt for her. I need her. I still need her.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
8th April 2011:
While searching for coffee, i got her diary.
She knew it all that its me. But she never asked me coz she wanted me to tell her everything from my own mouth. But later on while reading i was shocked to know that she thinks i am the one who was there messing her life. She never cleared it out with me. She thinks i am back there in her life for revengue.
That day something died between us. I wanted to clear out too many things with her but now it was of no use.
9th April 2011:
She was getting close to him. I wanted to stop her but then i tried to search my happiness in her happiness. Or maybe its just some misunderstanding that would be cleared out with time.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
23rd April 2011:
I didn't drank that milk. I hated milk. I pretended to sleep. She called someone. It was him. I heard them talking.
"No. He is sleeping hard. I have mixed those pills in his milk."
"Ya"
"Ok i will mix the pills in his lunch."
"But i am feeling afraid. What if something goes wrong ?"
"And Police ?"
"Are you sure ? We should do this ?"
"Ok good night. Love you."
24th April 2011:
I was happy for something and literally i was smiling whole day.
This is my last day here.
Something is hurting inside but i am happy for her.
I was searching for my heaven in her
and she gave me never-ending pains
now i want to hate her from inside
but still she rules in my veins ......
If i could just tell her somehow that i still love her.
25th July 2011:
A woman suicides in her home. The reasons of suicide are still unknown.............
Diary of life............
25th July 2011:
We met again.
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