Diaries

They both were sitting in Barista. She was sitting with a glass of Coffee in her hand. Rolling her finger on the edges of the glass. I can see her laughing and smiling in her group but her posture said it all that she is pretending. She is still searching for something.And i was sitting in the left corner with my friend,both drinking Cold Coffee. He reading newspaper for the style gadgets and me as always relaxing back, anyone would have been able to feel the ease on my face. Calm expressions, sitting back with my 'always there smile' and judging people according to their reactions and way of talking and sitting. But i myself was pretending. I had been interested in only one person out there, it was she. She was stunning with her fake smiles also. Black top with "Morgan"'www.morgandetoi.com' written in it and dark blue jeans, slim hmmmmmm i guess zero size girl......... And there our eyes strikes each other, she has been watching me checking her out for past 15 minutes and i smiled her with one cruel n' flirtatious smile and bowed my head a little. She acted as if she has seen something weird, a bit confused too. And then i she looked back again, i was still watching her with a calm mind, no bad intentions on my side. My coffee ended,me and my friend went off after paying the bills. I paid their bill too without letting them know who i was and whats was i about to.
After 1 week i saw her in the mall, pink top and a skirt.Looking more like a kid yet awesome but simple in her own way. We passed each other in escalator. I was going up and she was coming down. The eyes again stroke each other again. I smiled again in my way and didn't looked back after passing her by but she did turned once to see me. I was able to see that from the glass of my goggles.
After 11 days i saw her sitting her in a cafe shop, sitting alone, thinking something. She was too involved in her thinking i guess.I wrote a line on a paper napkin and passed it on to her."Thinking about India again Miss Journalist ?" She was shocked reading it. Turned back and i was not there. She asked the waiter who gave it to him and he replied a guy with spikes and a black shirt gave him the paper napkin. I left yet one another napkin having written on it : "So waiting for someone in your life ? you think now you will be able to cope up things with your confused mind ?"
Two months later she saw me in a party. I was sitting alone at one side with my drink in my hand (I don't drink, it was coke with hell lot of ice in it) giving no attention to anyone. She came to me and asked me who i am. I told her everything about myself. Everything that she ever wanted to hear. Till now everything that i had told her was all wrong informations about me.But i was sure that she believed it all.We had a chat for almost one hour. Exchanged our numbers, but i didn't called up. I tried to be a bit cold from my side. I was waiting for her call. She took almost two days to call me up. We decided a place and met and then lots of chats. We were getting closer and after sometime i proposed her. She said yes and we decided to marry soon but i said its not so easy to live with me even she said the same for her so we went for a live-in relation.
Time went by. So far everything was going right but after almost 3-4 months some odd accidents started happening in her life. And accidentally or eventually i was the one to mess them up more or to make them all fine. Hmmmm..... at one place i was unknown of what she was actually saying but then when i realised it all then it was too late. A car was about to crash into her and i saved her. Just after i saved her she said " So you must be a hero now in my view na ? " and i in my fucking style unknowingly of what she meant answered " Yes ofcourse , i am one " and i laughed she too smiled. At this period of time i was all able to see her getting too close to one of her friend. I always tried to predict him and he was always too fishy, but who was i to guide or change someone. I was able to see her talking on phones late nights with him.

8th April 2011:
She shouted from the door. " I have prepared breakfast for you, you will just have to warm it up in microwave. And yes the coffee is above in 2nd cupboard from the right, behind the cups. I will be late today, as i have a client waiting for me. "
I was barely able to hear her but i still shouted "Yay Yay i will do that you don't worry."
And she went away.
I got up from my bed and blah blah ........... then went to kitchen for breakfast. Put the pizza in the micro. And started my foolish search for coffee bottle. Searched damn coffee almost everywhere only two cupboard were left, 2nd last and last. I opened the last cupboard first. It wasn't there , but i guess i got something good. Remembered , ahh it was 2nd last cupboard. Made coffee for mahself. And ate pizza. Whole day i was free so got busy somewhere else.

21st April 2011:
I was on call with my car mechanic about my car.
" Have you done all the work that i have told you ? "
He replied " Yes."
" And the brakes ? Just take care of them, this time i don't want any mistakes, make sure work should be done today itself."
She heard me talking on the cell. Passed by but was in hurry. I asked what happened but she never replied. Hmmmm.... maybe some work.

The next day car was back from the garrage.


23rd April 2011:
At night she brought a glass of milk for me.
"Milk !! Hey hey honey i don't drink milk re, you know it well."
"I am sorry there is no coffee so you will have to drink it. Can't you drink milk only one day for me ?"
"Ofcourse i could"
"Then do it.Till then i will change."
"Change ? Alone ?? I think i could help you out."
"Ofcourse stupid , help me after our marriage."
And i was like ..... maybe everything is getting right now. Every misunderstanding vanishing up and life getting better as i always wanted. And appperently some words popped out from my mouth.
" Hey honey ! I have a surprise for you but won't be telling you so easily. "
" Really ?? Even i have one for you and you will know it soon. Now just drink the milk and go to bed. I'll go and change."
" Honey ! you have drunk milk ? "
" Yes dear i have. "
" Fine. Sleep now "
" Okay baby..!! Love ya."



24th April 2011:
I was happy for something and literally i was smiling whole day.




25th April 2011:

Newspaper Last page:
A car crashed in the woods.........One deadbody found.






Three Months Later:

Maid: "Madam i have cleaned that room. What to do with all the stuffs ?"
Madam: "Burn them all or throw them out."
Maid: "Okay madam."
Madam: "Hold..!! Whats that ?"
Maid: "Two Dairies"
Madam: "Bring them here."
She turned some pages...........
"Where did ya founded them ?"
"They were behind the cupboard."
"Okay! You leave now."
She started reading the diaries then.



25th July 2007:
My life started today. I met a girl, someone special i think. I am getting attracted to her. I think she is the one.....................................




19th August 2007:
I finally proposed her and she said Yes. One of the best day of my life. Fuck i can't believe , i am finally in love.


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8th April 2008:
I dunno what happened to her. She said i think we should get apart. I was almost dead but i never wanted her to leave my life.



22nd April 2008:
She smsed me. I still love you but i really don't want you to be part of my messy life. I really love you.



24th April 2008:
She called me up. We started talking again. I was filled with hopes again.



Then came the last page of the diary.


26th May 2008:
All the time when i was crying infront of her begging for love. She was busy asking for someone else as if he is interested in her or not. She finally backstabbed me.
My life ended that day.




2nd Diary:
I saw her again in Barista.She was sitting with a glass of Coffee in her hand.Rolling her finger on the edges of the glass.I can see her laughing and smiling in her group but her posture said it all that she is pretending.She is still searching for something.And i was sitting in the left corner with my friend,both drinking Cold Coffee.He reading newspaper for the style gadets and me as always relaxing back, anyone would have been able to feel the ease on my face. Calm expressions, sitting back with my 'always there smile' and judging people according to their reactions and way of talking and sitting. But i myself was pretending.I had been interested in only one person out there, it was she. She was stunning with her fake smiles also. Black top with "Morgan"'www.morgandetoi.com' written in it and dark blue jeans, slim hmmmmmm i guess zero size girl......... And there our eyes striked each other, she has been watching me checking her out for past 15 minutes and i smiled her with one cruel n' flirtious smile and bowed my head a little. She acted as if she has seen something weird, a bit confused too. And then i she looked back again, i was still watching her with a calm mind, no bad intentions on my side. My coffee ended,me and my friend went off after payin the bills.I paid their bill too without letting them know who i was and whats was i about to.
I again felt for her. I need her. I still need her.
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8th April 2011:
While searching for coffee, i got her diary.
She knew it all that its me. But she never asked me coz she wanted me to tell her everything from my own mouth. But later on while reading i was shocked to know that she thinks i am the one who was there messing her life. She never cleared it out with me. She thinks i am back there in her life for revengue.

That day something died between us. I wanted to clear out too many things with her but now it was of no use.


9th April 2011:
She was getting close to him. I wanted to stop her but then i tried to search my happiness in her happiness. Or maybe its just some misunderstanding that would be cleared out with time.
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23rd April 2011:
I didn't drank that milk. I hated milk. I pretended to sleep. She called someone. It was him. I heard them talking.
"No. He is sleeping hard. I have mixed those pills in his milk."
"Ya"
"Ok i will mix the pills in his lunch."
"But i am feeling afraid. What if something goes wrong ?"
"And Police ?"
"Are you sure ? We should do this ?"
"Ok good night. Love you."


24th April 2011:
I was happy for something and literally i was smiling whole day.
This is my last day here.
Something is hurting inside but i am happy for her.



I was searching for my heaven in her
and she gave me never-ending pains
now i want to hate her from inside
but still she rules in my veins ......



If i could just tell her somehow that i still love her.



25th July 2011:
A woman suicides in her home. The reasons of suicide are still unknown.............





Diary of life............
25th July 2011:
We met again.

My Grave

What is this place where am i,
i have never seen anything so dark yet its peaceful,
never felt anything like this,
this place is hot yet i am cold,
this place is soo calm but a voice is their shouting in my head,
i want to get out of here,
i want to run away but i cant feel my leg's anymore,
i want to see the world but i cant open my eye's anymore,
i want to breath but i cant feel air anymore,
i want to laugh but am not able to smile anymore,
i want to cry but tears don't come down from my eye's anymore,
i want to hug the one i love but i cant feel my arm's anymore,
i want to live but i don't feel life anymore .......

What wrong have i done ?

In this world of machines and wars, accidents and calamities can strike you any time.One such accident happened in my life and my brother had to paid too much for it.He had serious damage in his skull.Doctors were able to remove the clot but yet some part of his brain was raptured too far away from any recovery or cure.Due to this his brain was unable to make some cells and his body slowly stopped working.The doctors said at the end he will be alive but like a dead person.Only his brain will work but he will be more like in a person in coma.
We were from Ooty.A lovely place to be in.After mom and dad i was only one in the home and my brother was studying in boarding in Delhi.Still it was a happy life.And the story to my ruins started 3 months before.I was happy beyond any limits as my brother was coming back after completing his boardings.He have been the only precious thing in my life.I love him so much and could go to any limits for him.Had never said him no for anything.He was with me after 1 week.I was happy,life at the fullest.I was all alone these years but now it felt that all of my lonliness came to an end.He met his old colony friends and they started chilling out in Ooty as they did years ago........stupids,dumbos,yet sweet devils.Some days later he asked me for a car.

"Yo bro ! What century are you living in ?"
"Now what kind of question is it ?' I replied
"Mah sweet innocent bro, How about buying a car ?"
"Hmmmm....well i never felt need of buying one, i am happy in my LML Vespa.If you want to buy one you can have"
"Accha and what about money ?"
"Have i ever said no to you ?"
"Well there is a plot on my name na , that one near well ? Why don't sell it and buy car from its money ?"
"I thing i am the one to think over the needs of this home and not you.I don't want you to speak in these matters.One of my plot is near a school and once they said they want to buy some plot nearby and can pay instantly, i will talk to them.No discusions now."

Next day i went to that school management.I had a chat with them and they agreed to buy that land.I was happy enough,they gave me some advance,as they probably thought that by doing this they will save some money in registry part and other taxes in court.So we went to have a car then and he said he gonna have a Santro.Ya fine why would i have some problem with it.He is the one to drive it ,i am far away from machines and all.And finally came the Saturday night, well saturday nights are rocking here in Ooty , people from outer area comes here for fun and drinks and lots of fun and lots of drinks....haha.These freaking kings also were ready to rock the night.I just warned my brother not to drink and drive.He promised me he won't,but i was damn sure he will but now i think it would be less.And there they go.............
After 3 hours i got a call informing me about his accident.He was addmitted in a hospital nearby.My hands started shivering i was all blue without oxygen.Had no power to drive my scooter so i ran to my neighbours and told them everything.Uncle took me to hospital.It was all so silent out there,damn that silence was killing me at that time.And my mind wanted to shout out there "Make some noise stupids,make some noise my rockstars".I came to know that two of them were serious,and one was my bro.I was speechless.It was not hurting much now because my bad dreams came true somewhere.It was an injury on his head and doctors said they gonna put him under 12 hour observation after the .Though they told me chances are less but they can think of miracles anyhow.Meanwhile i completed all the formalties.Uncle is a retired Colonel from Indian Army he helped me out in formalities and cash problems.He was always too tough and always too strict for both of us,or mayb with all youngsters in colony,hmmm........yes which oldies love young bloods ? But mayb he showed up as a father this first time.I was sitting in the corridor on the wodden seat as the operation went through.He came up and put his hand over my head.This was the first time he did something like this.He sat beside me then and started talking to me

"Your father and i were very good friends, he left his best friend alone here.My son left me and my wife just for his wife.What could i ever expect from this life ? We have grown too old but still waiting for life to get stable.Your aunty always tried looking her son in you both, and i was afraid to let you both in my life because i was afraid that you both will also leave us.I know i have been too harsh with you all many times,but you both acted too good and what i was ignoring, finally cameup somewhere, you both took place of my son but i kept it all inside because i never wanted to loose anyone now."

I hugged him without saying anything.It was like someone had given me chilly,i know drinking water will make me feel good till i am drinking it,and later on it gonna be same.But i feel a bit relaxed after doing that.We sat their for almost three hours without any words.Operation also finished.Doctors came out, i asked them how was my bro and they replied they were able to remove the clot but were unsure about his condition as the wound was too dangerous and some part of brain was raptured.I was awake whole night,uncle told me to sleep but i was too worried to even take a small nap.Day went by........
My hero persisted those 12 hours anyhow,and that was where my hopes had grown too high."He is fighting,he is fighting",i thought this in my mind and a small smile came out of my lips.The doctors told me that the heart-beats were normal now but he was not into his consiousness.Still they said that it mayb possible that he will survive in a good manner but there could be some deforms in his mental condition.I said fine still we have the chances that he gonna be fine(Yeah this hope part is what we all Indians have in common).

He was getting fine and after someday he came into consiousness,the doctors performed some more tests on him and came to an conclusion that his brain stopped creating some cells due to which slowly slowly he was loosing control over his body and finally he will end up like a person in deep coma.I was with my blank face,as if emotions were dead but i still asked doctor if there are any hopes that the brain will start working normally.And he answered:
"No.....Not possible in terms of medical science but miracles do happens,so its all upon you now."
"All upon me ?" I was totally blank when i heard this from him.
"Yes..!!"
"You mean......."
"I mean its not my first case like this. And almost all of them have gone for mercy killing.Its better to see them dead for once rather than watching them dead each and everday."
"You can say this cos the person lying there on bed is not your brother. And the whole world can loose hopes on this but i can't, i can never........."
"I am sorry, i never meant that but......."
"Really doctor i mean it, my brother can loose hope but he will have to come up for my hopes, and he will never let me down, i know my brother, he can never see me loosing.He surely will come up soon."
"I too hope the same for him. Anyways you can take him home next week if you want."
"I will" and i smiled as i have never smiled before.
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"Hey bro wakie wakie :) we back to our home. Woooooooooo!! Would you mind if i can sleep here in your room ?? No cos i just need to make sure if you need something sometime na."
"Come on ass say something........ Fine leave it. Till then em gonna cook something for myself and yeah offcourse soup for you."
"Woopie.... so the food is ready sir."
I made him gallop the soup and then had my meal. Took a little nap. Then woked up and cleaned all his mess.
Life remained same for almost 2 months. Now everything kept me busy more like a routine or a duty. This was my life but i was loving it. Till then i was keeping up with my own research work on this and I read somewhere that music and plants can help getting out of paralysis. But can it be counted in paralysis condition ??? Hmmm..... confused but lets try.
I was all mad so almost all of his room was full of lovely flowers. Damn is this the way to cure someone or to make someone erotic =)) lolzz me so dumb :P. And yeah sweet music.
It was all the same way. Dunno about my bro but i think i was coming out of the shock and after-effect. But the doctor said my bro was getting better and had shown a lot of progress. Good for me :)
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"Doctor can i do anything else to make him better ?"
"Well i don't think so that you need to do anything more. But still if you want to do something then try getting a pet, i gonna make your mood fine and even patients do cheer somehow and show progress. I many cases these animals help in recovery in such cases. Small animals are more like children everyone get please to see them playing."
"Ok doctor :) "
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After 2 days i bought a kitten. It was cho chweeet :)
"Hey brooiiiiii look whos here :D a kitty. Small chweetu cuttie cuttie kitty :D"
I was all happy as i have got a new kiddo. Now it all never bothered me. Nothing was like a duty or routine. I really loved doing all this. And at the free time i played with cucu bubu oops........ cutie cutie kitty :P:D. Time passed by. Winters were knocking at door. I took out the blanket for bro. I loved this red blanket , it was the warmest i ever had. Being in it was like just in heaven.
Even kitty loved it now. It can be alwayz seen sleeping on that blanket. And thus the life continued......
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Winters finally arrived.
"Doctor is he gonna be okay ?"
"Well yes!! i think soon he will come up again."
"Thanks, i was willing to hear this"
That day it was like a day to party out with my brother and kitty. These were the only 2 i had and the only two i have now.
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Somedays later. It was a chilling night, it was snowing out. Cold breezes were coming in. And so the kitty went into the blanket near my bro. I was busy cooking. After the dinner was cooked i came to bro to see him.
"What the hell !! How come ?? is it water ??"
I put off the blanket and the kitty ran out from it. They kitty coz of cold pissed on brothers pillow. His face was..... ahh
can't even say that..... This was the first day i felt how helpless my brother was.
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I had been thinking this whole night. And finally i decided up something.
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I killed up the reason that made me feel my brother was helpless. I killed it.
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After a week i went to uncle and aunty. They were with no words. I didn't even let them speak anything.
"Its like i see my mom and dad in you. Can we live here with you as your children. Or could you both come and live with us ??"
"Ofcourse my son. Whatever you say."
"Fine we are shifting here :)"
And i was able to see smiles on their faces. First time :)
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Then i came back to my home.
"Heya lets pack up and go to our new home."
But Meow......... cried the kitty.
"So you are empty tummy" and I went and put some milk in its bowl.
These were the only 2 i had and the only two i have now.............. Not two now :) Its three : Mom , dad and kitty. I had just chosen , who needed me the most.
What wrong have i done ?

Color of My Blood Is Not Red Anymore

Nice weekend, sunny morning,
people enjoying, kids playing n running.
Those smiles turns into tears fast,
being unknowingly stucked in accident ,crossfire or a blast.
Blood once mixed with redness of love, dreams and desires,
Is blood now mixed with dust,footsteps and prints of tyres.
Color of that love is not red anymore.
Color of my blood is not red anymore.

Chilling winters are back again,
hard to sleep on footpaths and lanes.
Cement down acts more like chilling thrones,
Cold penetrating more like pins and pointed stones.
Many died of that violent cold wars,
some being murdered and some under cars.
That blood is now chilled,dark and unsoaked on floor,
Color of that blood is not red anymore.

Hunger crossing limits,lines killing them,
Men becoming terrorist, terrorism killing man.
Mothers died, brothers died,children and others died,
leftovers cried, compromised, survived and finally died.
Plants gives life but plants are dry,
rivers don't have a single clear drop to cry.
Women so pure is tortured like a whore.
Truely ! Color of our blood is not red anymore.

Mother India

I am a mother. A mother who have seen many civilizations, many cultures, many languages, many stories , many epics , many religions blooming in my own garden.I don't care about any Mahatma Gandhi or any Bhagat Singh, they were just another kids, my kids.How can a mother compare her two kids ? How can a mother compare any of her kid with any of her other kid ? No matter if one of my kid is in Mercedes and the other sleeping on footpaths, No matter if one is a criminal and other a social servant. I know no laws, i know no despair, no rules and no limits to love my kids. All are same for me.

I am a mother. A mother who have seen many wars, many deaths, many tears and blood rivers flowing over my body. After every death the only thing that is close to them is me, their own mother holding them in her arms. They start up with me and then mix in me. I am a mother who is same with everyone, if i give them hot airs in day time then i am the only one who gives them cold temperatures at nights. So why do my kids die with starvation, climatic conditions, floods, unavailability of water, earthquakes ? Now i put up a question : Which mother won't love to see her kids fighting the problems ? I have always cleared all the shit and mess they have done over me since years with all my smiles.

I am a mother. A mother who takes crimes of her kids on her, every time my kids are cursed, i am cursed with them. If some of my children are corrupt, i am the one who is to be blamed about it in spite of the fact that i have given birth to other kids who have brought pride to the whole humanity. My kids never fall back and if they do fall then it means the competition is still ON and the outcome will always come out in the favor of my kids. I expect too many things from my kids so i give too much to them in form of food. I take pains to give them vegetation. I take the pains to give them fresh drinking water.

But it hurts too much when my own kids blame me for everything. It hurts when i am being cursed by my own kids. I never stop my kids from going to foreign place, but it hurts when they forget me after going there. It hurts when my own kids fights over small things and then kill their mother more by making fences all around me. Making Lines of Controls , making cities from a land , making states from cities , making countries from states. They say we all are a single family , then why so many homes inside ? They say we are sisters and brothers then why fights here. They say we know only one religion and thats humanism then why castism here. They say we all are in same level then why one of my kid is in Car and other on road, walking barefooted. Why one kid ditches some other and say our religions don't match ? Why one of my kids having high percentage gets no place in Institutes and a less qualified kid gets a place in the same institute with money and quota. Why i can see crimes all over ? Why i can see my kids selling themselves to plant bombs to kill their own families ? Why i can see my own family members raping my own girls ?

God must have died only once but being a mother i die everyday. I die everyday with newspaper touching me with pages full of same news of RAPES , KILLINGS , BLASTS , CORRUPTIONS. I die when my kids say a particular state belongs only to a particular caste or religion. I die when they believe Brahmins are high class and others are not. Have i ever given different rice to a Brahmin and other caste ? Have i ever given Water only to Brahmins and not other classes ? Have i ever been partial towards a particular caste or religion. I give them same calamities, same food, same care then why my kids are not together ? I am a mother whose own kids have killed, hurt and raped their mother many times. And yet many more times by asking me question "Why is India such a corrupt country ?" "What have our country given us ?"

I am a mother. A mother who always has high expectations from my kids. My expectations are never to get any money from them, never to get a medal from them , never to get sympathy or never to see my pics all over in my birthdays and all. I have only expected them to be good to their family members, their brothers, their friends. I don't force you all to stand for National Anthem, and never gonna force you all to respect me for a week by keeping my pics as their display pics or changing captions, putting flags outside your house, never show your love for me.Just fulfill your duties by paying taxes. Stop crimes and try to do some constructive work and i promise you, i shall give you food and shelter. Stop cursing your environment, coz each and every of my child is capable of changing the whole world with their power of standing alone no matter whether anyone is with you or not, and to stand till the end no matter the end comes before the overcomes. Don't show off that you all love me, coz sooner or later you all will start loving me anyhow. Try to walk with me and i will surely walk with you. No need to tell me we love you mom but do stand when you see someone raping me again.

I am mother.And i am proud of all my kids no matter whether they are proud of me or not.I am MOTHER INDIA.